When a child  tells a parent that they have been sexually harassed, it can be a rather alarming feeling for the parent. As a parent, we always want to protect our children, every second. But, we come to realize that we can’t always be with them every second of the day; especially when they go to school. Although at school we expect our children to be protected by teachers, administrators, and other staff members, things can still happen. While 99% of these staff members try their best to keep our kids safe, it is impossible to watch every student at every moment. So, if in the case your child tells you that they have been sexually harassed, here are a few tips to help both you and your child:

1. LISTEN first, without saying anything.

While it is your first parental instinct to ask a lot of questions when your child tells you something like this, give them some space. Let them tell you the entire story first, without interrupting them. If you try to interrupt them, they may feel like they don’t want to continue talking to you about it. Make sure to also listen carefully, and focus on the details; it will save you from asking your child multiple questions later.

2. ATTEMPT to stay as CALM, as POSSIBLE.

As much as you would like to lose your mind and be angry with the individual that harassed your child, (it’s natural!!) you have to focus on being there for them. I completely understand that you want to be angry and upset. However, it will just further upset your child. It’s okay to be angry, but just make sure your child doesn’t see that side of you.

3. SUPPORT and be there for your child as much as you can.

The most important part of this process, is to be there for your child. This can truly take quite a toll on them emotionally, so make sure you continuously check in on them. Sometimes, they will try to hide how they feel, so it’s important to keep tabs on that. Some signs that they may have been harassed, but haven’t told you, are: change in mood,  being more quiet than usual, sudden change in eating habits, and the one that’s more common is slipping grades, and loss of focus at school.

Telling a parent/teacher/(assistant) principal that you have been sexually harassed may be difficult, but, it can be done. Lots of times, some people are not sure how to approach the subject of sexual harassment and talking about. So, if you decide to report it, here are a few things to remember:

1. Try to remember that it’s not your fault.

Sometimes victims will try and blame themselves for the harassment. It is never your fault. What happened is on the harasser. It doesn’t matter what you said, what you were wearing, if you were flirting with the person, or even if you liked them. When someone does something that makes you feel uncomfortable, and they keep doing it, it is on THEM, not you.

2. Reporting the harassment could help other students, too.

I understand firsthand how hard it can be to report an incident of sexual harassment. However, if you report the harassment, you can help other students, too. How? I’ll give you an example of how reporting the harassment might go: You report the incident to your assistant principal. Then they investigate it, and find out that the person is in fact harassing you. The student responsible for the harassment should face disciplinary action. It is important to note that other people could of been harassed by the same person that you were. Therefore, not only do you help yourself, you help others too because they no longer have to put up with the harassment either.

3. Being uncomfortable, scared, or nervous about reporting it, doesn’t last long.

One of the main reasons why some students don’t tend to report sexual harassment, is because it may seem like it would be uncomfortable to talk about it. However, I want to assure you that feeling uncomfortable or nervous or scared will not last long, at all. I promise you that. I will give you an example of how the reporting process itself would go:

You decided to go tell your assistant principal ( It can be anyone, I’m just using this as an example) that you were/are being sexually harassed. They will then asked you what happened. This is good time to take out any notes or anything similar describing what happened. On those notes, you’ll want to include the dates and times, (if possible) what was said between you and the harasser,(if anything) and include anything else they may have done, such as touching, etc. where it happened, how it made you feel, and if there were any witnesses. It is important to note that if any touching occurred, you will most likely be asked to describe where upon yourself the touching took place. This can be uncomfortable. However, I want to assure you that anyone who is conducting the investigation, will be very professional. They will let you take as much time as you need, to gather your thoughts, process any new information that you may remember, and take a break if necessary. They are there to support you and help you through it. After that is done, they will (should) speak with the harasser. They will then look to see if your stories match up. Once that is complete, they will (most likely) inform you if the harasser/offender will face disciplinary action. Although, they will not be able to give specifics. Lastly, they should follow up with you to see how you are doing. If you need counseling, or anything like that, they should get you in you in touch with a school counselor. 

 Below are frequently asked questions about sexual harassment, from middle school students:
1. How will I be able to tell my parents?

Telling someone that you have been sexually harassed, can be difficult. However, that feeling of being uncomfortable, is only going to last a short period of time. There is nothing to be ashamed of, or embarrassed about. The harassment is never your fault. Once you have told your parents, things tend to go a lot smoother. For example, if you decide to report the harassment, your parents can help you through the process. They can make sure that everything is going to be resolved. They can also help you with any emotional support you might need.

 

2. What helps prevent people from starting to harass others?

Educating people about sexual harassment, like I did with all of you, is important. Some people are not aware of what sexual harassment is, until they learn about. It was my hope that when I presented to you, if you were not aware of what it was, you could learn about it, and be aware of it as well.

 

3. How could it be harassment if the harasser doesn’t know it is uncomfortable?

Sometimes, the harasser may not be aware that their behavior is bothering or upsetting someone else. Body language and speaking up (if you are comfortable doing so), is very important in these situations. That way, the harasser knows that they are making you uncomfortable, making them more likely to stop.

 

4. Why does it happen so often?

Most times, sexual harassment is about power or control over another person. A lot of people also do not think it is a big deal. People may not also be aware that what they are doing, is sexual harassment. If people are not aware that their actions are affecting someone, they may continue to engage in that behavior. That is why it’s helpful to enlist the support of an adult, so that the behavior stops.

 

5. What if sexual harassment keeps happening even when a teacher or adult knows and has spoken to the person?

If someone is sexually harassed, and they continue to be harassed after they have told an adult about it, and the harasser has been spoken to, they should report that information about the harasser to an adult again. It is very important to continue to report any continual incidents of sexual harassment, even after an adult has been notified. Sexual Harassment is taken very seriously in this school district, both at the junior high and high school level. Further disciplinary action will most likely be taken. If it does continue, keep telling someone, and ask for your parents help if necessary.

 

6. What do people want to achieve from sexual harassment?

Most times, sexual harassment is about power. It is about having power and control over another person. Some people think that it is “funny” to harass someone else. So, some people do it to achieve satisfaction of making someone else feel uncomfortable. Others do it to get attention.

 

7. When will you know the right time to report it?

There is no “right” time to report sexual harassment. It is different for everyone. However, while there is no right time, it is highly recommended that if you report sexual harassment, that you do it as soon as it occurs. The reason for this is that the process of reporting will go a lot smoother because you will be able to remember everything you need to that pertains to the incident. But, you can still report it later on, if you feel the need to do so. Ultimately, you should report it whenever you feel ready to deal with it.

 

8. What should people do if the victim is afraid people will find out they told and will get made fun of for telling?

While it may be difficult to report sexual harassment, in fear of other people finding out, it is most definitely worth it. Even if people do find out, it shouldn’t matter because the victim is never to blame for the harassment. Sexual harassment is very serious, and is no laughing matter.  Also, if you report sexual harassment, it will be kept as confidential as possible, so that other people don’t find out.

 

9. What if both sides are okay with it, but they are both unsure about it?

If two people are okay with it, but both unsure about it, there is one important thing to remember: Active and continued consent. It is important to make sure that both sides are continually agreeing to what is occurring. That is why it is important to look for signs of uncomfortableness from each party. For example, using body language, or speaking up is important to notice that that person may not want to continue to be engaged in that behavior. If these signs do occur, the best option is to stop, which is best for both parties.

 

10. Is it still sexual harassment if it is only one time, yet after you say no, the person continues to act inappropriately towards the person?

Yes. Sometimes it can still be considered sexual harassment if it only occurs one time, if it is severe enough. However, if it only happens once, and you say no, and they continue to do it, it is considered sexual harassment. You told them to stop, and they continued to do it, so it is still sexual harassment.

 

11. If someone or a friend was a victim of sexual harassment, but wouldn’t say anything, how would you know?

When someone is sexually harassed, they may be feeling a lot of emotions. For example, some people may feel withdrawn and not want to discuss it. So, you may not know right away. But, it is important to look for signs of different behavior. Like I mentioned above, they may feel withdrawn from others, they may be more quiet than usual, or they may not go to school for fear of continual harassment. But, if you do notice a change in behavior, it is a good idea to ask them if they are okay, and help them get support.

 

12. Is it still sexual harassment if a girl harasses a guy?

Sexual Harassment can occur between both genders. Guys can harass girls, girls can harass guys, guys can harass other guys, and girls can harass other girls. It does not discriminate.

 

13. If two people are dating, and the other person makes them uncomfortable is that still sexual harassment?

Regardless if two people are dating or not, if one person makes the other person uncomfortable, it is still sexual harassment. Dating is not an exception to the rule. If someone makes you uncomfortable and you tell them to stop, and they don’t, it’s sexual harassment.

 

14. How do I know if I’m being sexually harassed when I don’t know?

When you are sexually harassed, you feel uncomfortable. So, for example, someone could be verbally harassing you, which could include, any comments, or jokes that have a sexual nature. Or, if someone is physically harassing you, that could include touching you in a sexual way.

 

15. How can you end sexual harassment?

You can not put an end to sexual harassment all together, but education and prevention is important. Educating people on sexual harassment is crucial. Informing people about what sexual harassment is, and making people aware of it, can hopefully reduce the frequency of it occurring. Also, informing people about setting boundaries is important as well as making sure people know to respect each other. But, if you are being sexually harassed, it is important that you try to remove yourself from the situation, and talk to adult and have them advise you further.

 

Any and all abusive or controlling behaviors by a significant other constitute teen dating/ domestic violence. A survey by the CDC in 2011, showed that 23% of females and 14% of males that experienced stalking, rape or physical violence, by their partner experienced some type of partner violence between the ages of 11 and 17 first. Teen dating violence has increased a lot over the past few years. It can have a serious impact on its victims. Victims can experience anxiety, depression, engage in alcohol and drug use, or even have suicidal thoughts. Teen dating violence is a serious issue and action needs to be taken. Unhealthy relationships go hand and hand with dating violence. Unhealthy relationships can take a major toll on the victims it affects. A majority of the time, victims are afraid of getting out of unhealthy relationships because they are afraid that the violence will still continue. It is very important that friends or family members of victims are willing to support them. With help and support from friends and loved ones, victims are able to heal. Also, with help, victims have higher chances of getting out of unhealthy relationships safely.

If you have experienced teen dating violence, please remember the following:

1. It is NEVER your fault.
2. You are NOT alone!
3. You have the right to be in a healthy relationship.
4. Your partner NEVER has the right to be abusive to you in any way, shape or form.
5. You should never have to put up with your partner’s disrespectful behavior.
6. It’s okay to get out of a relationship that you don’t feel safe in.
7. It’s also okay to seek help

Here are some resources you might find helpful:

1. loveisrespect.org
2. Dating Abuse hotline: 1-866-331-9474
3. breakthecycle.org
4. victimsofcrime.org

Sources:

CDC.gov